Bold yet Fearful

I was bold yet full of fear. I would go anywhere and stand up against anything, yet was silently afraid God was mad at me, and in turn wouldn’t care for me, because of my mistakes. I was known to stand up against the devil believing I would win the battle, dutifully doing my part. When all along, it was a diversion to keep me locked in a false belief system that said, “If I was not perfect, I’d fallen short and was deserving of my demise.” Being distracted from the real thing, the real fear passed down through the generations, forced me to fear and settle, all while the conflict of “No”roared from within. Who could win such a battle of perfection? So the battle ensued day after day, year after year seamlessly fighting a never ending battle, in which, I was the villain that quietly earned all I was getting. Endlessly punishing myself daily to make amends for my short comings.

Until, finally the light broke through. I could see clearly I was carrying reproach and imprints from the past. Signatures from my childhood, and trauma from my past holding me hostage to a false belief system. I had been forgiven a long time ago, and all along, it was my enemy who had thrown a rock and hidden his hand, not my loving and forgiving Father. Now faith arises, the impossible is my portion. I shall see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living and surely God is not a man that he could lie. Truly, the best is yet to come…

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