Sometimes my heart is stoic. It’s time to be with you. My mind still wanders, my heart unsettled. The pressure to produce, to stay ahead of the game yields a numb heart. I’m here but I can’t feel, can’t feel your presence, can’t hear your voice. The noise, the demand are just too loud. So I fake it, or at least that’s what I think. I play my favorite worship songs, read scriptures and lay out my request. I even make a few declarations reminding hell of the promises layed out for me. But it’s not real. It’s routine, programmed. It’s like living life without breathing. But isn’t that what I was taught and instructed to do? Well, it just doesn’t seem to be true? There is nothing here but death.
I pause and reflect on the day and realize I’ve rushed in with my agenda. I’ve come as if you’re a genie waiting to grant my wishes. I treated you as one that is emotionless, heartless but you are love and are excited to be with me. You desire more, not from me, but to give me more of you. If only, I could slow down and get to know you better, bring my heart to the table instead of a list. If only, I could understand your love for me then I would come like a child excited to see her daddy, ready to climb on your lap and listen. I would let go of the day and cling to the simple things in life, the purest thing there is, relationship with you.
I press past the mundane and force my flesh into silence. The war isn’t easy but the only other option is death and I’ve lived there for way too long. The mind races, anxiety sets in, as I force myself to let go; to let go of all that I think I need and know. Days pass because this war is real. A part of me does not want to surrender, but this time I’m determined to not relent. So I continue day after day, week after week silencing the voices, quieting my soul until one day you press in.
Now I feel your presence. I hear your voice. I’m enamored by your beauty. You haven’t done anything special, but when you walk into the room everything changes. Your majesty enters. Your love consumes. Your power overwhelms and now, I know I am with the King.
The staleness is gone as fresh wind enters the room. Everything in me surrendered, everything changes. In those moments there is no time. I have somehow stepped into a piece of eternity. Hours seem like minutes and all the answers to the questions land peacefully on my soul. I must say this measure of more was worth the war.
Author: Petrina Milan