Faith….The evidence of things hoped for. As Christians we are familiar with this passage of scripture. (Hebrew 11:1) Now that sounds powerful but it is walking by faith that seems be a little more challenging…. (2 Corinthians 5:7) I find it’s easy to hear and receive the word of God but much more challenging to live it.
Walk by faith, exactly what does that mean? Should we go about our day-to-day business quoting scriptures over every situation in which we need faith, or should we simply position ourselves to believe? You know, the “no negative confession” stance. Even if you think it, by all means don’t say it. This is true to a point but I find for people like me this is a fig leaf for not expressing your true feelings and struggles to the Lord. This “no negative confession” can throw me into “strong silent” mode and cause me to lose touch with my own emotions. I somehow become glassed over and take a position, which ends up being false faith. Why false faith you say? Because it is based on a false stance and confession when in reality I am full of fear. I have somehow lost being in touch with my emotions and forfeited my ability to bring it before the Lord for proper assessment.
I’ve gone back and forth in my life with the question of faith. There have been seasons where I quoted scriptures till I turned blue in the face and seasons where I have stood resound, not shifting my position in hopes that I was walking in faith but yet it seemed absolutely nothing was becoming tangible. I mean, I was doing all of this hard work so shouldn’t something manifest? Shouldn’t I see a small glimmer of hope? Nope, nada, nothing would happen. Why, because I was hiding my true feelings of fear and doubt. Somehow I had buried them and became a confessor of faith by rote memory. I had been trained well. I knew the scripture and was strong as an ox when it came to things I believed in, but I was not seeing results. The more I confessed the more hopeless I became.
In this last season everything I once believed was being challenged and now so was my faith at a greater level. There was such dissatisfaction that I was forced to dig deeper. I became so worn out with the entire process that I began to regurgitate every fear and doubt that was hidden. And yes, this is where keeping your confession positive is true. The more I vomited the more I was filled with despair and hopelessness while the enemy was catching every word slamming the gavel, guilty, with every confession.
Before I knew it, I found myself in a cyclone of doubt and confusion. I began to totally doubt everything God had shown me and promised me. All because I had been trained as a child to gird up and swallow. Now, all that strength had become my weakness and it was taking me out quickly.
After what seemed like a very long time of frustration and darkness I got exhausted with the process and finally found the strength, courage and boldness to tell God how I really felt. I cried out my fears and pain and asked God to help me. See God has to allow us to be broken by all means necessary and for me I had to become utterly discontent. There was no other resolve but to look deeper and cry out to the Lord for help.
Being strong also masks itself in self-ability. Although you may be confessing scripture and knocking down every arrow the enemy shoots at you, you somehow contribute your methods and small victories to your own knowledge and ability.
I know some of you are saying why didn’t you do that in the first place? Easier said than done. When you’ve been taught to be strong you learn how to become emotionless and follow every rule that makes you feel good about yourself. You become a slave to order and tradition and the minute you lose either you fight even harder to regain composure. Why, because there is no place in your life for vulnerability, only strength.
When I look back now I can see how ridiculous that is. It’s a big lie that teaches you to be robotic. Yes, I believe there are times in warfare that you must swallow your emotions to survive but there are also times of rest, love and vulnerability that call for something totally different. It calls for trust and confession of the deepest fears and hidden secrets of the heart. Trust, that the Father hears and will deliver you. Trust, that he is pleased with you and that he understands your fear and doubt. Trust, that he will not judge but instead turn your fear into faith. To me the biggest charge here is hiding the truth from God and expecting to see results when your heart is not fully connected. You must take the time to battle every insecurity and fear so that pure faith can arise.
So as you journey through various walks of faith be sure to ask God to search your heart to see if there are any hidden things that may be blocking your faith. Yes, confessing the word and positioning yourself to only believe are truly necessary in the walk of faith but removing the hidden doubt and fear that block the manifestation of your blessing is necessary as well. Lay down your war clothes and trust the loving heart of the Father who knows just how to perfect your faith.
Author: Petrina Milan