In this season of difficult transition, I found myself manifesting in so many ways; mad, sad, happy and out right frustrated at times. I didn’t know I could experience so many emotions at once. I could wake up full of joy and an hour later I’d find myself angry at God, questioning his very word and decision-making. During this season I have been a hot mess! During times of wavering faith God would somehow lovingly draw me back in and I would find myself stabilized by just one word. This loving melody became our song and dance. I’d have a melt down, God would play His music and draw me back into His dance. Week after week, The Father and I hit the dance floor at the most unexpected times for the most unlikely reasons, but exactly what was he doing? Why was I going through such an emotional rollercoaster? Why was hell allowed to come after me so intensely?
At first I fought it. I tried the previous methods of toughening up and putting my war-clothes on. I tried not to let things bother me or get me down but this was a new season, a season that required new warfare that I had no idea how to fight. Putting on my war clothes was easy, but this dancing and surrendering, while it felt like hell, was having it’s way and was foreign to me. I knew how to suit up and fight the devil with no problem, but I didn’t know how to surrender, and allow God to fight for me.
This was new warfare, warfare against me and my old way of thinking, not against the enemy. God seemed to have the enemy under control. The enemy seemed to be of no concern to Him; His main concern was my surrender. This warfare was here to challenge me to let go, trust and feel on a deeper level. This war would slice me open and leave me raw and vulnerable.
As the occurrence and length of our dances extended, I began to see a pattern, each dance would produce character, and open up hidden love I didn’t know existed. I danced while weeping, at others times I smiled, but each dance left a print on my heart, a print, that over time could be seen.
What was The Father doing? He was making me look more like Him. He was allowing the throes of hell to come against me in intense levels so I would wear out. I finally threw my hands up and said, “Lord, I give up!” “ I have nothing left to say or do.” At times I would feel helpless and then he’d pull me out onto the dance floor again and again. He allowed such pressure to be put on me that the oil could finally run freely. He allowed me to be crushed so He could fill me in a better way.
I don’t know why sometimes we as sons and daughters have to be pushed through hard places before we snap out of it and get the revelation. It’s like we walk through life thinking we are ok. We may say, “Yes, I have some issues and I’m working on them”, and this may be true but there are deeper hidden issues that we can’t see. We so clearly see the fault in others, but for some reason are completely blind to our own. It seems, only the squeezing through the smallest places can rock our world and crack us open. It hurts like hell, but produces far greater character than anything we’ve experienced before.
Sometimes I think we believe the goal or measure of being a good Christian is measured by how peaceful our life is and the lack of turmoil. This experience has taught me otherwise. The true goal of Christianity is not to go to church faithfully, pay your tithes, do good deeds, and learn about Jesus. The true goal is, by any means necessary die to our earthly ways and mindset, and allow Christ to build character in us that can be seen, to shake nations and draw men unto Him, not our accomplishments. I’ve learned in this season those things are powerless. I’ve learned that to die daily sometimes has a greater price than you realize, but its’ price is worth paying. So if you find yourself in a difficult season, relax, let go, throw your hands in the air and hit the dance floor and let Abba take the lead. I promise, you won’t be sorry!!!
Author: Petrina Milan